I'm a hairy girl.
It's a sad but true fact of my life. During pregnancy this transforms into Saskwatch like hair growth. It just grows. And grows. And because I already feel obese and stretched and anything but feminine, I don't keep up with it as well as I should. It's shameful. So in the past 3 weeks I've gotten my upper lip sugared (with a free coupon) and my eyebrows threaded for $5.
My mantra is "DOWN with the facial hair!"
The sugaring was a fun experience. I mean about as fun as one can make the experience of yanking out hair by the roots. There was music and the lights were dimmed and a fountain. The fountain actually made Evanie pee her pants but...can't have it all easy now can we. It hurt but then she packed this nasty green mud on my lip and it was cool and soothing and took away almost all of that tell tale glowing red that screams, "Hey I'm a woman but I grow hair on my lip like some sort of freak!" Not a bad experience overall.
But sadly I'll never go back because it would have been $30 without the coupon and I can't justify it when it's something I CAN do myself at home. Even if it sucks.
My eyebrows were the next battle to be won and again, I just didn't want to do it myself. My eyes water and I never do as good a job on the left as the right because it just hurts more and I get them uneven and have these crazy pelts for eyebrows so it takes long and I have to trim them and I usually trim them too short and look like I've been weed-whacked for a couple of weeks after.
Enter Grunhilda.
I was told a local East Indian woman threads eyebrows for $5 so I called her up and went to meet her the very same day. The procedure took place in her home in a comfy black chair, some Bollywood soap opera playing quietly in the background. Her English was broken but good and we bonded over the fact that we were expecting babies within a week of each other. (She was WAY smaller than myself just FYI.)
On the table were cotton balls, tissues, a string, and a small scissors. Not too threatening. I laid back and relaxed.....only to be attacked in the face with a razor!!! Imagine a tiny lawn mower zipping back and forth over your face-THAT'S what it felt like! I was sure she was just randomly cutting me with a razor blade but I was too worried about my eyes getting sliced to even dare open and confirm that she was a mad woman with knives! So instead I practiced my birthing breathing and tried to imagine I was sunning on a beach somewhere with ripped abs.
After slicing my face repeatedly from my cheekbones to my hairline on the right side of my face (I know I'm hairy but seriously, my eyebrows do NOT go up to my hairline!) she said I could open my eyes and sit up. As soon as I sat up, a stream of wet literally poured down my face and my first thought was "I'm BLEEDING!!" but in fact, my tears had just pooled in my eye sockets and went cascading to the floor when introduced to gravity.
She showed me a mirror and I was shocked and surprised to find both that my face was unscathed AND she had uncovered the nicest little eyebrow my face had ever seen. It was amazing! But my delight was quickly destroyed when I realized that this sexy little eyebrow was being chased by a badger-like eyebrow on the left and I was going to have to go back under the "knife" or look like a mutant.
Not my eyebrows, but aren't they pretty?
Repeat on the left what happened on the right. I survived. And my eyebrows looked/look amazing!!
She then asked if I would like my upper lip done as well and I quickly assured her that I had just gotten them done but began stammering because she just stood there looking at my lips with this pity written on her face. It went like this:
"And now I do your lips too?"
"Oh no no no, I just got them done a week ago so they're fine. Thanks....I mean...well maybe there's the odd hair that needs to be....er.....I should, I'll clean this up at home.....I guess, yeah, they probably need some uh....but...."
"I do it. For you it is free."
"Oh. Um. Er. Thanks. Yes. Er." (I TOLD you I'm like a Saskwatch!)
So she razored, I mean
threaded my upper lip as well. Thank the Lord Almighty I had just had the main patch harvested and there were only a few stragglers to clean up.
Again she went from my nose to my chin....was that really necessary?
Then she stepped back and I saw her eyes begin the "roam about" on my body and she offered, " I also do arms and more..."
I clutched my hairy arms and ran away. Away from the cotton balls and the tiny little scissors and the harmless looking little thread.
But sadly, I'll go back. Because it was only $5 and she was really good and I lived. I'll just have myself a little pre-threading drink next time.
Also not my abs. But aren't they pretty too!
