So I've been told that post-pregnancy/delivery, you forget all the discomfort and you're ready to jump in with both feet and do it again. I can't say that this is the case for me. I AM ready to jump in and do it again (not NOW...but sometime) but it's not because I've forgotten a thing; it's just because it's worth it.
I will say however, that time has softened my memory's edges when it comes to the actual labor and in hindsight I can almost see it as beautiful. My friend Grace described it as "the most beautiful and horrible" experience which about sums it up and because the outcome, the grand finale, is this tiny person who is incredibly precious to me; it tips the whole experience toward the "beautiful."
I am incredibly thankful for how Evanie's birth played out! I have no regrets and while it wasn't "fun" exactly, I can look back with a real sense of peace. At the risk of being cliche, the most vivid part of the entire ordeal for me is the moment she was in my arms. It always makes me cry when I revisit it in my mind. I hope it always does. I remember feeling she was much more solid than I was expecting for some reason and her slippery little body seemed molded in the fetal position. I remember her big dark eyes looking up at me and her dark hair plastered in curls against her scalp. I remember she already had that sweet newborn smell. It was almost too overwhelming to take in, (I actually felt on the brink of hysteria in that first minute) that this teeny tiny individual was actually in my arms and had actually come from inside of me and was actually ours forever!
The entire ordeal was quite long, somewhere around the 38 hour mark but active labor, labor that was relentless and effective, was more just the last 12 hours. I'd had lots of Braxton Hicks for several months but the Tuesday before she was born we had company overnight and while we were watching a movie I had several 'different' contractions that scared me because I was absolutely NOT going to go in labor while being hostess. So I told Justin, took a hot shower, begged God not to do this to me, told my uterus in no uncertain terms that it was to calm down, and went to bed.
The next day, Wednesday, our company left around noon and I flew into a frenzy washing all bedding, dusting, scrubbing floors, and making everything baby ready. Then I ran up and down the stairs and sat down and willed the contractions back. ...Nothing... I was tense, I was worried, I was stressed, and I was 8 days overdue. In defeat I went to bed for a nap and cried and prayed and finally gave all my frustrations to God and told Him "Fine, You decide when this baby will come. I've had it, NOTHING induces labor!" -and I dozed off....and woke up 15 minutes later to a contraction. I dozed again...same thing. This went on all evening, they weren't hard, just longer and a bit more serious than any previous contractions, but most importantly, they were regular which I'd never had before. By the end of the evening I began to dare to hope this could finally be it. I called the midwife, I called my sister Diana...I didn't call my friend, Grace. Sorry Grace.
That night I slept about two hours and then rocketed awake with a contraction. The rest of the night I dozed off and on and was awake for the sunrise. The contractions were completely bearable when I was awake but not as much when I'd doze off so I finally gave up sleeping. They spaced out more as morning came which was discouraging so Justin and I went for a beautiful early morning walk!
Thursday continued exactly the same, the contractions kept coming reasonably regularly but never increased their intensity unless I fell asleep and then I couldn't deal with them as well. Diana and Grace showed up and we basically just hung out all day with regular pauses for contractions. The weather was crazy, it started sunny and clear and in the afternoon we were buried in thick smoke from a BC forest fire which then turned into a lightening storm. I spent hours bouncing on the exercise ball watching the turmoil outside. It was kind of surreal.
Ali, the wonderful midwife, came to our house late in the afternoon and we discovered I was all of two measly centimeters dilated. Poo. So I had a membrane sweep (eeyouch) and a yummy castor oil cocktail and tried another short nap.
Scrumtious...castor and verbena oil ...
Almost immediately things got harder and closer together. I called Ali and she decided to come back and spend the night at our place. Night came, everyone went to bed and I basically repeated the previous night except that things were harder and closer and I was more exhausted. I spent a lot of time in the shower and in the tub. Around 4ish I woke everyone up because they were about 3 minutes apart and I was discouraged and didn't want to be alone. They set up the pool and Oh my goodness did that ever feel good!! I wanted to lay down and sleep in it!
The next few hours blur together for me. I remember it was important to me that the sports bra and bathing suit bottom matched. I remember the room was mostly dark and everyone was in there with me. I know that family was called (up until then I didn't want anyone to know I was in labor in case it was "false" labor) and my excellent birthing team slipped off at times to shower and eat breakfast. I know after every contraction a glass with cold lemonade and a straw appeared in front of me. I also know that from Thursday afternoon until her birth, I burped after every single contraction. Yes, what a lady.
I dozed between contractions which made them feel only seconds apart and was aware that things were getting harder and harder. Which strangely, was encouraging to me because I kept thinking, "this is REALLY it, I'm getting somewhere, I'm really having a baby!" At some point Ali checked me again and Praise the Lord, I was fully dilated.
After that things went really fast. I was suddenly aware that I needed to push NOW and it freaked me out. Diana told me to hold my breath while pushing, Justin and Diana held my hands (I was afraid I was going to break Diana's hand because it was so much smaller than Justin's), my water broke, I pushed, and out she came. It was nearly that fast. I remember thinking, "Ah, so THIS is the 'ring of fire'!" and the next push it was over and suddenly I was sitting and holding a tiny baby and there were blankets and towels and everyone was crying. Except Ali who was a blur of motion, expertly checking us over and making sure everyone was ok. I kept asking Justin if we had a boy or a girl until I realized I was the one holding the baby and I was the one who needed to check and then a fresh wave of tears came streaming down when I realized I was holding my little Evanie.
Minutes after....
Daddy's first hold...
Somewhere shortly after a second midwife showed up and things are fuzzy again because I drifted in and out of sleep. I had the best nap as they stitched me up in fact! It was heavenly! After feeding Evanie and sleeping, I was told it was time to get up and pee but my body didn't cooperate and I passed out twice when I tried to get up. I didn't know I passed out, I was just so tired and kept having these awesome sleeps but then I woke up to worried faces hovering over me saying "You're fine, you're ok, you're doing good" and I wanted to console them and started saying "I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm doing great." But then after all the "you're fine, I'm fine, we're all just fine" I messed it up and brought the worry back into Justin's eyes by asking in an overly cheerful voice, "what's the static buzzing sound?" Apparently only my superwoman ears could hear that. Oops. So they brought out the catheter, so fun, and started feeding me regularly and I drank glass after glass of orange juice! It tasted like heaven.
I really don't think I could have done it without Justin, Ali, Grace, and Diana. They were the perfect people to have with me. Justin was my pillar of strength, his presence felt as solid as granite and made me feel that I could really do this. Ali was the genius, the specialist, the safety. Grace has been my friend for 700 years and has the ability to make me laugh in the hardest of situations and helped keep those wonderful, pain killing endorphins flowing. She also took pictures throughout the day, pictures I'm so thankful for. Diana was my acting doula throughout the pregnancy and delivery. She coached me when I needed it and helped me relax. There was so much calm and so much encouragement the entire time I almost feel they carried me through it and I am so grateful for each of these wonderful people!
And now I am the lucky mother of this little girl who smiles easily and sucks her (whole) fist and mimics when we blow bubbles and endures 264 kisses daily. And let me tell you, she's worth every contraction, every castor oil burp, every day over due, and even every (uncomfortable) moment of pregnancy.
And FYI, 9 out of 10 moments of pregnancy are uncomfortable. I remember it well!
Top to bottom: Ali, the midwife at the birth, Sharyn, the midwife who did almost all my prenatal but couldn't be at the birth, me, and the star of it all, Evanie.
Evanie and Sharyn's first meeting.
