Yesterday I was driving down mainstreet on my way to work and 1 block before I got there I saw two clients on the sidewalk, also headed to the office. Being the naturally friendly and personable darling that I am, I gave them a wave and a hello, just to brighten their day with my presence! As I was looking, waving, and smiling at these two, I ignorantly went zooming across a crosswalk...with people on it!
Now I did NOT almost hit these girls but the point is, they were on the crosswalk and I was in a vehicle and it is MY responsibility to be watching and STOPPING for the peds. Even though it was not a near miss, it was a stupid mistake and a cop would have had a thing or two to say to me had there been one nearby.
My parking spot was about two cars lengths in front of the crosswalk so naturally, I parked. The girls crossed the street with life and limb intact and then proceeded to walk down the sidewalk I had just parked beside. And guess what, I cowered in my little car, pretending to be busily looking for something on the floor of the backseat on the passengers side so that I would have no chance to meet the eyes of my almost victims. Real mature. The whole time I was feeling sick to my stomach and quietly chanting, "please-don't-hate-me-I-didn't-mean-to-I'm-not-a-bad-person" under my breath. As they neared the car I stopped breathing and was sure I heard them say things like "...such a jerk...sucky driver...dumb blonde...hate her..." etc. Of course they passed the car without incident and of course, weren't even looking at me as I tried to blend into the blue upholstry. The 2 second incident probably didn't even register on their "very cool" highschool day but I got out of my car, went to work, and ruminated on the entire event for the rest of the evening. In fact, I'm writing this the morning after so obviously I'm STILL obsessing.
The most startling and I confess, most disgusting part of it all is that I was not NEARLY so concerned with the fact that I was being a careless driver as I was concerned about how my actions may have negatively influenced someone else's opinon of myself. Instead of chanting "I'm sorry" or better yet, lifting my cowardly head and actually saying "I'm sorry" as they passed, I just sat there convinced that they hated me and felt terrible this could be so.
Upon thinking this through, I came to a humbling realization of how much everything that I do or don't do is based on what others will think of me. I like to believe I left this childish mentality behind when I was four but I'm afraid that is not the case. It would seem I'm still pretty affected by the opinions of others. Whenever I make a mistake, turn down and invitation, say something out of line, or get too nervous to say hello...I walk away thinking, "Well, now you've done it. Good work Carolyn, now they hate you."
Ha! Writing this out actually made me laugh because of the sheer lunacy of this thinking. Yes Carolyn, everyone hates you because you didn't say hello.
It may well be time to get over this defeating, self-centered, and cowardly thought process. In some ways, its good to grow up, I think this is one of them.
Now lets see, what person or incident in my childhood can I dig up to blame for this inadequacy I find in myself...heaven forbid this should actually be MY problem. No no, I'm sure there's something...
1 week ago
2 comments:
that is too bad, Carolyn! You know, i felt really horrible one day trying to do 2 things at once (i was actually trying to find out where the siren was) when all of sudden there was the ambulance right in front of me. I felt horrible for not seeing it, and they were very mad at me.... I actually wrote a letter to the editor, apoligized and asked them to turn their siren on before they reach an intersection a bit more than they did! I felt a bit better then, but I know how it feels! As for finding someone to blame, maybe it has to do with.......hmmm, what can I think of? Maybe it is because you were a country girl and there were no crosswalks where you grewup, not even lines on the road sometimes......you forget sometimes and think you are back on the W.K?
Does anyone remember the little girl with brown braids who apologized every minute? Who felt the compulsion to say "Thank you for the nice time" every time she went to her neighbor's house? Even made a short and sweet way to say it in a tongue, licking, shoe-string touching way? (poor Carolyn, why did you fall for my insanity?) Well, that girl is still in me in a mature way of course!!! I am constantly feeling horrible because I think I said or did the wrong thing and someone is unhappy with me. It's something I have vowed to change. I have realized that #1; why do you care if people you don't know and will never see again are mad at you? #2: real friends are very forgiving and usually didn't even notice or take offense
This is getting way to long for a comment. It's more like an essay!!
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